RIDICULE AND EXPECTATIONS

Most of the time women who have had no difficulty conceiving have trouble understanding the challenge of infertility. It is a unique experience to deal with months (or years) of worry and disappointment, as well as decisions regarding fertility treatments. When interactions occur between a woman who is struggling with infertility and a woman who has two or more children, sometimes a certain insensitivity or subtle rejection may be felt by the infertile woman from the woman who is the mother of children. It may be a facial expression, a comment or question, or it may be from an obvious lack of attention or respect. It may simply be imagined because of the childless woman's insecurity. However, it is still worth addressing this relational issue. Sometimes even men in the church unintentionally assign more worth to mothers than to women without children.

In Bible times, women were expected to have children and were looked down upon if they failed to do so. In the Old Testament, Rachel definitely felt this kind of societal disapproval. Genesis 30:22-23 reads: ''Then God remembered Rachel; he listened to her and opened her womb. She became pregnant and gave birth to a son and said, 'God has taken away my disgrace.'" Hannah also experienced derision, particularly from her husband's other wife. The scripture reads in 1 Samuel 1:6-7: "And because the LORD had closed her womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her. This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the LORD, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat." In the New Testament, we find that Elizabeth also dealt with derision. When she was pregnant, she said, "'The Lord has done this for me. . . . In these days he has shown his favor and taken away my disgrace among the people'" (Luke 1:25).

Have you ever felt any kind of rejection, or felt less important, because you did not have children (or only had one child)? Explain.

Besides dealing with our own desire for children, and our spouse's, we must deal with other people's expectations as well. Because this influence is usually quite subtle, we may not even be aware of how it may erode our self-confidence or prevent us from feeling completely satisfied. Sometimes parents will verbally express their desire for grandchildren or will show their approval of friends or siblings that have children. Sometimes we have a group of friends that have children, and we may feel motivated by their enthusiasm.

Have you ever felt pressured by other people to have a child (or more children)? Explain.

Today, many couples decide not to have any children or to have only one. This choice is not always obvious to others, so often people will ask about family plans. Most people do not have any idea that we are dealing with infertility unless we have talked about it with them. Usually, friends are just curious and do not intend to hurt our feelings or infer anything about our lack of numerous children. However, even if we are at peace about our situation, these personal questions can be disconcerting and can unravel our emotional state.

Have you ever felt uncomfortable when someone has asked about your plans to have children (or more children)? Explain.